A swimmer steps onto the diving block aligning her feet, hips and shoulders in the direction she wants to go, positions both her feet firmly on the block, loosens her arms, leans forward and grabs the edge with her hands. At the start signal, she pushes off with her hands and feet, bringing her arms overhead in a streamlined position with head tucked in neatly, to enter the water like an arrow. She creates a solid dive start to enter the water with as little splash as possible.
Similarly, ‘tender self-compassion’ is your meticulous dive start, your spring board to action. It prepares you to enter a challenging situation with both ease and sharp focus, creating minimal drag. Tender self-compassion is the feminine energy ‘Yin’ that encourages you to lean into nurturing, loving, compassionate behaviors towards yourself.
- Accepting the current situation as is
- Acknowledging your feelings as they come up
- Comforting (emotions), soothing (physical distress), validating (thoughts)
- Witnessing them until the edge is gone and the feelings soften
This includes being gentle with yourself, instead of berating yourself, you recognize what is coming up in the moment, identify any mistake you might have made and forgive yourself with a resolve not to commit it again. It includes self-care when you are tired after a long day, taking a warm bath, getting a massage, drinking hot tea, listening to soothing music, watching TV and relaxing. You are engaging in self-nurturance. You are making internal change.
Once the swimmer dives in and is in her lane, she is focused on her free style swim stroke. This includes the steps for propulsion like extending the arm to catch the water, pulling the water with rotation of the shoulder, and finishing with the push phase. Then come the steps for recovery like carrying the momentum, attending to the hand entry with a high elbow, practicing bi-lateral breathing, all with ease and a steady pace. She is intent on completing the laps with speed and accuracy.
Similarly, ‘fierce self-compassion’ is your exquisite free-style stroke across the pool, your action for change. Fierce self-compassion is the masculine energy ‘Yang’ that teaches you the ability to lean into protective, assertive and problem solving behaviors.
- Identifying boundary issues and setting limits, saying ‘No’
- Recognizing gaps of oversight and filling them, saying ‘Yes’
- Calling out injustice or unfairness and correcting the wrong
- Pinpointing problems and finding solutions
You draw upon courage to own responsibility for your choices. If you perceive a mistake, you acknowledge it and make amends. If you are tired after a long, hard day at work, you order-in instead of cooking or doing your usual chores. You request your spouse to pick up the kids. You resolve to speak to your leader about re-assigning tasks at work so your work is more manageable. You are engaging in self-advocacy. You are making external change.
As Kristin Neff, PhD, author of Fierce Self-Compassion, 2021 states, “Tender self-compassion is the necessary first step to taking action….. It harnesses the energy of nurturing, while fierce self-compassion harnesses the energy of action to alleviate suffering.”
The ability to harness either kind of self-compassion is to be learned, practiced and sharpened. Each has its own merits with a different set of skills to be applied. You have to mindfully balance both. “When Yin and Yang are out of balance, tender self-compassion can tend to morph into complacency.” (Neff, 2021).
- If you are overly focused on self-care you lapse into inertia, avoiding changing the status-quo.
- If you neglect self-care you are unable to bring your best self to address the problem.
- If you are overly focused on striving and acting, you become aggressive, unable to draw upon compassion to mitigate the situation.
- If you neglect self-advocacy you spiral into victimhood and helplessness.
Too little or too much of either will throw you off balance. You want to identify the merits of each and learn the art of balancing them moderately.
Find that sweet spot for both tender and fierce self-compassion. You will finish your final swim lap with a flourish!