You might well ask, ‘What is all this ruckus about self-compassion?’ At first glance it may seem frivolous and self-indulgent, causing you to shrug your shoulders and dismiss it as being inconsequential. But stay, there is substance here.
Self-compassion is not as light and fluffy as it seems. It is hefty and flinty at its very core. It is not a weakness, but a strength. It is the foundation upon which rests our self-image, world-view, relationships, choices, endeavors to solve problems and achieve great things.
It means compassion towards ourselves when we fail, get hurt, or feel inadequate. At such times the tendency is to be tough on ourselves, indulge in self-blame, present a stoic front, put out a stiff upper lip and plod on rigidly. Research has found that self-criticism is self-defeating. It holds us back from making progress. Self-compassion on the other hand is self-empowering. It spurs us on to strive for what is important to us.
Characteristics
- It is not self-pity: feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in self-absorption.
- It is not avoidance: shirking responsibility and looking the other way.
- It is self-soothing: regarding yourself with kindness, understanding, empathy and encouragement.
- It is action oriented: approaching the situation head on, resolute to be pro-active to improve your situation or solve a problem. It calms, inspires and empowers.
Benefits
- Promotes sustainable wellbeing and realistic optimism
- Promotes stability as it is based on one’s humanness, not on comparison with others
- Promotes resilience and ability to bounce back from setbacks
- Promotes mindfulness and staying in the present moment instead of focusing on regrets of the past or anxiety about the future
- Promotes better perspective so as to find longer term solutions over immediate relief
- Promotes practical actions over wishful thinking
- Promotes greater compassion for others and healthier relationships
That is the biggest eye-opener: Self-compassion removes the lens of selfishness and replaces it with the lens of selflessness. Once you know how to pause, understand, empathize and be kind to yourself, you no longer have the need to be reactive, become defensive, or even offensive. You learn to be responsive, make healthier choices, and take the right action.
“The power of self-compassion is not just an idea – it’s very real and actually manifests in our bodies”. Dr. Kristin Neff, PhD.
The neuroscience is compelling. Self-compassion releases the natural hormone oxytocin in the hypothalamus (brain structure), which signals bodily functions such as blood pressure and heartbeat. It is called the ‘love hormone’ as it soothes us, building trust and social bonds. In addition, self-compassion has the counter capacity to reduce the secretion of the hormone cortisol in the amygdala (another brain structure), which heightens our vital signs. It is known as the ‘stress hormone’ as it tenses us up, preparing us to go into fight or flight mode. By reducing cortisol and increasing oxytocin we self-soothe and remain calm and open.
“Research indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us, radically improving our mental and physical wellbeing. It motivates us to make changes and reach our goals not because we’re inadequate, but because we care and want to be happy.” Dr. Kristin Neff, PhD.
So the next time you find yourself in a pickle, take a deep breath, pause, look straight into the mirror and say a few kind words to yourself in the second person. Then, take a step back, gain perspective and use sound judgment to make decisions. The cobwebs in the head clear and clarity sets in, as you take the first action step towards resolving your dilemma. Self-compassion is one of the sturdiest tools in your tool-kit. It is as enduring as steel.