Overuse of the Strength of Kindness
Our toddler grandson was being toilet-trained during a visit to our home this summer. As he was heading to the bathroom he asked me, “Do you have raisins?” I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond to this query. Seeing my bewildered look, I was informed that he was to be rewarded with either one or two raisins depending on the success of the outcome. I raised my eyebrows and smiled indulgently. “Yes, I have raisins.” Within minutes he returned with his tiny palm outstretched. “Aji, please give me two raisins,” he smiled gleefully and triumphantly.
Happily I dug into the raisin box and scooped out a handful to deposit them into his hand. “No, you have to give me two only. You gave me too many.” He diligently counted them, and handed back the extra raisins. I marveled at how principled he was. I also recognized that he was perfectly content with the reward he had received. The two raisins reassured him that he was on the right track and he felt acknowledged and rewarded. They were enough. He did not desire more just because they were freely available. More is not always better.
How often do we tend to hand out too many raisins? Kindness, generosity, compassion, empathy are all desirable character strengths to nurture and grow. But is there such a thing as overusing some of our top strengths? How often do we tend to be over generous with our acts of kindness with unintended consequences? Those very acts of kindness can lose their potency for the recipient, or seem intrusive. Also, we ourselves are left bereft of resources such as time and energy. We may think we have a limitless supply, but even that well runs dry eventually. Compassion fatigue is a well-known red flag amongst healthcare providers and mental health professionals. There is a physical and emotional toll on their capacity to nurture others continuously.
Research shows that kindness is linked to happiness, longevity, general wellbeing, peer acceptance and likability. We want to cultivate this highly desirable strength. We also want to hone the ability to recognize the sweet spot between the positive gesture of giving and the joy of receiving. Just as a tennis racket has a surface area called the sweet spot that allows the ball to move at greater speed with less strain on the arm, so too can we learn to temper our acts of kindness for optimal benefit for the receiver and minimal depletion for the giver.
I have encountered a theme of overuse of the strength of empathy (compassion) at the workplace with coaching clients. One client realized she was spending copious amounts of time listening to her direct report’s personal dilemma, while running out of time at the meeting to resolve the issue of incomplete projects. In her sincerity to be an empathetic leader she was sacrificing efficiency. Finding that good balance between emotional support and practical solutions is critical. Another client recognized he has always been a ‘giving’ leader and found immense gratification in the same. But he has done it at the cost of self-compassion. Now he wants to contain his giving and redirect some of it inwards, to scale his effectiveness and productivity. Another client recognized she offers kindness and compassion instinctively to her colleagues and team members. But when she walks through the door at home that very ingrained value vaporizes quickly. Two factors come into her awareness. She switches roles from manager to spouse/mother and she experiences end-of-the-day burn-out.
Do a self-check to recognize when your kindness might be over-stretched.
* When you are intending two different outcomes
* When you are giving to others at the expense of yourself
* When you are wearing diverse hats
* When you give discriminatively to different people
Ask yourself how much is too much giving. Give judiciously. You just have to find the golden mean of your character strength of kindness. After all, it is one of the strengths grouped under the virtue of humanity.
Look for that sweet spot of handing out just enough raisins. A little kindness goes a long way.