Hanson in ‘Resilient’ suggests 4 ways of meeting your need of wellbeing:
RECOGNIZING | RESOURCING | REGULATING | RELATING
Step 4: Relating:
Courage:
Interpersonal courage. “Speak from the heart with self-respect and skill.” You have to both ‘feel’ and ‘be’ safe while communicating. “Talk about talking.” Ask yourself which of these you engage in more: sharing experiences (personal thoughts and feelings) or solving problems (impersonal and objective views).
“Your truth for its own sake versus persuasion and influence.” Recognize which style you are more comfortable with or shy away from. The first approach dealing with process is a joint one. The second approach dealing with outcome is a detached one. Both have merits. Courage would require you to face your fear of being either emotionally vulnerable (sharing experiences) or being proven wrong (problem solving). Healthy communication creates elasticity.
Aspiration:
Many of us have had dreams as a child that remained unfulfilled. Doubts hold us back from realizing them. “People frequently get caught up in certain means to the true ends of the dream. This distracts them from the end itself and often keeps it out of reach.” Look for the essence of your dream. (If you often dreamt of riding a wild horse through an open field, today it might represent your thirst for freedom from the demands of work.) If liberty from the shackles of others’ expectations is the essence, then look for ways to pursue it. Commit to an action that will free you up, whether it is training for a marathon or volunteering. It meets your desire for autonomy to do what you feel passionate about.
Love, Work and Play are the 3 areas of life that your dreams fall under. “Find your sweet spot at the intersection of 3 circles: what you enjoy, what you are talented at, and what you care about.” When your likes, talents and values all converge, your aspirations will be realized more readily.
generosityPeople and situations will influence your ability to fulfill a dream. State clearly to others what you wish to pursue and why. Seek fertile ground to plant your aspiration. Use the growth mindset to aim high and not be attached to results. Do it anyway. “The more you are willing to fail, the more you are likely to succeed.” Surrender to the dream. “Say yes to it.” Honoring yourself strengthens your core and gives you flexibility.
Generosity:
Giving of your time, attention, money and talents to others is a way to be generous in your daily life. Look for opportunities to give to people or situations so your generosity can flow through these channels.
Generosity can be draining and deplete you of your energy and resources. Make deposits in your own emotional bank so as to ‘bring equanimity to compassion”. When drawn into empathy for another person it is easy to drown in the other’s distress. Step back, stay centered in your core and anchor yourself firmly on solid ground before you extend a helping hand. Self-care is critical.
Forgiveness is another form of generosity. In relationships when you are wronged, examine whether you wish to continue to “hold a grudge”, offer “disentangled forgiveness” or a “full pardon”.
- Holding a grudge is like a slow release poison that will hurt you despite its initial reward of ‘righteous indignation’. It does no one any good.
- Disentangled forgiveness involves distancing yourself from the person, seeking compensation if need be, but letting go of hard feelings and negative thoughts. You choose the distance you wish to maintain. You take action. You are detached and at peace.
- Full pardon is looking at the other as a whole person, absolving him/her of any wrongs and starting off on a clean slate. You let go of the past fully trusting yourself and the other.
You can follow the same principles for forgiving yourself. This is the hardest to do. Take responsibility for your action, feel appropriate remorse, make amends, and ask for forgiveness. “It’s humbling and freeing.”
Finally, Hanson calls on us to extend our circle of ‘us’ (people like us) to include ‘them’ (people unlike us). When we look for similarities we begin to realize that we are all in this life together. This builds a resilient society.