Hanson suggests 4 ways of meeting your need of wellbeing:
RECOGNIZING | RESOURCING | REGULATING | RELATING
Step 3: Regulating:
- Calm:
Managing your own emotional state is the first step. When you are aroused or anxious your sympathetic nervous system (SNS) is in overdrive. This is useful in an emergency but harmful in day to day life. It spikes your vital signs (blood pressure and heartrate). It releases the stress hormone cortisol. When you are calm and at ease, your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) maintains these same vital signs in balance. Create a calm ‘baseline’ for yourself. After a stressful event you will return to your ‘normal’ state fairly quickly.
- Practice mindfulness, being in the moment. Progressive relaxation, Tai Chi, Yoga, Qi Gong and daily repetitive activities (gardening, cooking) regulate your breathing. Breathing ‘in’ activates the SNS and breathing ‘out’ engages the PNS returning you to rest. Active visualization and guided meditation audios are also powerful tools.
- Motivation:
Regulate your brain’s ‘motivational machinery’. “People who are resilient keep pursuing their goals in the face of challenges.”
Practice liking without wanting. Wanting comes from insistence and compulsions, “have to, should, must” that are harmful. When you enjoy something without desire, you learn to be content. Stay in the present moment without darting to the future, craving more gratification. The current experience is appreciated fully and is enough.
Healthy Passion is being engaged in an activity (leading a meeting at work or hosting friends for dinner) that excites you. Positive emotions arise (hope, eagerness, or joy). Your PNS keeps you naturally at ease. When the same activity is filled with negative emotions (anxiety, frustration, or anger) it stresses you and your SNS ramps up your vital signs. Instead, focus on your character strengths (leadership, social intelligence) to stimulate positive emotions about the activity.
Motivating yourself to reach big or small goals takes work. There is a motivational circuit in the brain that increases dopamine release in anticipation of a reward and activates decision making to reach your goal. If dopamine receptors are less in the brain, the amount of reward, attention to it and sensitivity to it can be increased to heighten motivation. (Going to the gym because it will make you feel good in the long run, may not be enough. Choose something fun like an aerobics class over running on the treadmill. Wear brighter workout clothes that liven your spirit.) ‘Choose activities that are more stimulating. Add new routines. Vary the details. Take many short breaks. Ask for frequent feedback.’
Imagine a ‘feel good’ moment in the future. Your brain experiences dopamine release already, in the present. After you have completed the activity, anchor the actual ‘feel good’ moment, by noticing details about your body’s response. This is downloaded in memory for easy access later. You are in charge. - Intimacy
“A strong ‘me’ in the midst of ‘we’ fosters intimacy.” You want to create connections with others, at the same time manage those relationships responsibly. Establish healthy boundaries, be assertive and know that you matter in any relationship. Retain your autonomy (independence) while entering into a relationship, (make requests not demands or complaints).
The vagus nerve (10th cranial nerve in the brain that carries parasympathetic fibers) is awakened when paying attention to others. The vagal tone index is central in social engagement. People with a higher vagal tone index deal with bad emotions better and have healthier social connections. When you recognize that other people matter, you develop empathy for them. Strengthen compassion and kindness towards others.
Developing resilience means working with your brain to regulate your emotions, motivation and relationships. You will find it easier to bounce back from the setbacks of life.